When emotions are out of control
I moved to the countryside, away from the hustle and bustle of the big city. Everything was new. I cannot even remember how I managed to connect with others while being on my own. It took a good couple of months, but eventually, I found a good friend. We spent an hour or so every few days hiking together, exploring local walking places, often with a borrowed cute dog in tow. I always had a great time chatting, walking, and playing with her friend’s dog. Exercise was fantastic for me, dragging me out of my self-imposed solitude. Nature was soothing for my soul, which I had long craved in the city. All was great.
She sometimes spoke about menopause — the hot flashes, the debilitating symptoms, and how isolating it was. At the time, while I nodded and acknowledged her distress and perhaps the loneliness she was feeling, I didn’t fully understand. But I wanted to be there for her, so I tried.
I remember one day we were discussing how to safely pass cyclists on the road — giving them enough space and slowing down according to the highway code. But then, she went into a full-blown rant about how people don't care about each other, how dangerous it is to pass a cyclist at 40mph, and how some people don’t even slow down from the country lane’s 60mph speed limit. She choked up in tears, and I was sitting there, trying to figure out what to say. Why was she crying? What was I supposed to do? My brain was overloaded with questions and had no idea what was happening. I tried to stay conversational while acknowledging her feelings and gently moving the conversation to other topics. Distraction always seemed to work, but it was hard to watch, feeling like I could not help at all.
Another day, we started talking about finances, and she was spiralling with worry. She dismissed any solutions I offered to ease her concern. The issue wasn’t that she was spinning in circles, but that I was dealing with serious financial problems myself. My mind was overwhelmed, searching for solutions for my own struggles. And compared to me, she was on solid ground. While I didn’t dismiss her worries, every sentence deepened mine, to the point where I found it hard to be motivated to go for our walks. What was once a joyful activity became emotional turmoil for me. The thing is, our friendship slowly became a lonely journey, one where everything revolved around her. The thing is, our friendship slowly became a lonely journey, one where everything revolved around her. There are times in life when a friend needs to be the centre of attention, and that's okay. But over time, I just became lonely and stressed, no matter how healing the walks once were. I was anxious, constantly bracing myself for whatever emotional wave would hit next on top of my own. Our walks no longer had the soothing, uplifting, and healing effect they once did — they simply drained me further.
And then, one day, we clashed. Hard. We forgot about the good times. It felt as though both of us were wearing massive sumo suits and collided at high speed, only to be thrown back into our own bubbles. We dusted ourselves off and moved on, not looking back. She had her partner and friends to lean on, and I returned to try to solve my issues on my own.
At that time, I had no idea what really happened. But with some distance, and by managing my own anxiety, I began to realise that both of us were in heightened emotional states — she with menopause, me with perimenopause. We only had our own outlets, which acted like a power surge, sparking, and then shutting down. Would it have been different if we both know…
That’s how easy it is to lose a friend. We all need connection, as we are social beings, after all. But sometimes, we can either forgive or move on when things become too much. The most important thing is to stand our ground, monitor our own needs, and adjust our path accordingly. We must ground ourselves with our own methods and power. And knowledge is key — understanding what we are going through is essential. We need to take time to listen to our bodies and understand their messages. Slow down and listen.
What helped me? Read the next blog about Self-care and self-compassion in practice.